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  • We were playfully doing this and sort of teasing each other, and I put my knees around his hips to keep him from entering me, and he said, “You think you can stop me from getting in?
  • Understanding where his head is at will be crucial to your progress.
  • I was inspired to write in by a recent question about aftercare.
  • That he’s tried meds implies at least some degree of desire—whether he wants to have sex, wants to want to have sex, wants to please you, or something else is unclear from your letter.

So there’s a bit of nuance, I think, that makes comparing that scenario with yours at least slightly less straightforward. But again, all of this matters little if he’s not into it. So you should talk about that and ask him what he wants to do about this. If he’s not making any real effort, suggest a sex therapist/coach that you visit together. You could also look into opening the relationship or even ending it, but there is much that could be done (at least theoretically) before exploring those options. My interpretation of this experience is that you were both playing around and he went a little too far.

  • But what does the Harris’ “coconut tree” quote mean, and why has it become a meme?
  • Perhaps you could discuss it with him using a detached approach along these lines—these things happen!
  • I have felt this way hooking up in the past, which makes some sense because being alone with a stranger is probably inherently awkward, but even with my spouse, whom I love deeply, I can’t seem to feel relaxed.

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I have felt this way hooking up in the past, which makes some sense because being alone with a stranger is probably inherently awkward, but even with my spouse, whom I love deeply, I can’t seem to feel relaxed. I have no trauma that might be the root of this feeling, and I am generally very comfortable with my spouse. After sex, I just want some space and air, which doesn’t seem like it should be too much to ask, but if I try to extricate myself, my spouse gets upset. I have tried explaining that I need some peace and space in the very same way that they need snuggling and the like, to wind down and recenter myself, but I never seem to get through.

For him, whose second language was English, it was fun to play with the dirty words of my first language, words that I struggled to say because of my own issues and peculiar sensitivities to specific sounds. It was definitely a process with many baby steps, but I went from being able to say words like “pussy” and “cock” on their own to using them in complete sentence. This ability made me feel more confident in the bedroom.

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That’s something that happens when you play around! It’s completely human to misjudge, and it’s completely human to react to that error. Perhaps you could discuss it with him using a detached approach along these lines—these things happen! It doesn’t make him a bad person or anything close to a rapist. It just makes him someone who said something that triggered you. A boundary that previously wasn’t visible now is.

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